AOAN

I fled from my home, like a war refugee fleeing from a hostile country. I didn't even grab any belongings, just my purse, and off I went. I walked calmly to the van. To an outsider I would have looked just like someone about to run some everyday errands. I climbed in and had a brief moment of panic as I slid the key into the ignition. "What if it doesn't start?" I thought to myself. I found myself holding my breath and praying as I gently turned the key, and thanking God when the engine turned, and then caught. I'm free.

But only for this moment in time. I put the car in reverse, and start driving. I turned north, which I did not realize at the time. Going south was my usual custom. South would bring me closer to him. To the place I had always wanted to be. But now to the place of my devastation. A devastation of the like my life hadn't seen in fifteen years. Instead I went north, subconsciously fleeing from all of my pain. Not just the immediate. Not just the acute.

I feel something wet on my face, and I realize I've been crying. At first it was just one or two tears, but once they broke free it was as if a dam had sprung a leak in its most vulnerable spot and then crumbled under the rush of newly free flowing water. One or two tears turned into a trickle which quickly escalated to a river of salty tears. I am watching myself like I am watching a movie, outside of my body. A defense mechanism I mastered long ago. Fleeing my body that is in so much pain. Meaningless pain.

I watch as my body sobs in huge uncontrollable heaves. I know that I must be hyperventilting and I softly whisper to my body to breathe. Just breathe. But my body is not listening to me. It does not feel the tingling sensation of its lips. I just pray that I get to where ever it is I am going before I pass out.

The van has come to a stop. "That's good" I think to myself, as I watch my body collapse into a puddle of heavy heaves and wet tears. My breathing is so fast, so uncontrolled, and I know my body is being flooded with too much oxygen. I see myself try to steady my breathing, but it's just not working. Blackness comes.

I wake up with the salty taste of tears and snot on my lips. Every few breaths my body still shudders from crying. Its hot in the van, I had turned it off when I got to the park, but the windows were closed and the sun was beating on the roof. It was nearing eighty degrees out already. I wipe the snot off my face with a towel and open the door to step out. A cool breeze hits my face, and I close my eyes and lean into the wind, trying to hear its soft whispers, its secret messages that it holds just for me. I stand there for a moment, feeling its gentle caress as it blows past me.

"I can do this...." I whisper to myself. "I can do this."
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